DATE #3, Breastfeeding Boy

February 4th, 2019

The first two dates didn’t go too well but when I came home I was always glad that I had gone on them. It is a nice feeling returning to your comfort zone and realizing that nothing horrible happened while you were out of your comfort circle.

I found boy #3 on Bumble. He was a first year law student and 29 years old. My mom keeps telling me, “Boys don’t mature until they are 26, start dating older Audrey!” All of his pictures were cute and he looked like my type of guy. I usually prefer a tall, lanky, goofy guy, that is almost hipster but not. So after messaging back and forth for a little bit he asks for my Instagram, so I give it to him. I thought most of the time this would be when you asked for my number but whatever maybe this guy prefers Instagram.

He plans the date and we agree to meet at the same Mexican restaurant as Boy #1. Keep in mind our only form of communication, at this point, is through Instagram. I also break one of my dating rules and I agree to dinner. I feel like dinner is a big commitment for both parties:

  1. It is a longer time commitment, if you don’t like the person then you are stuck shoveling food in as quick as possible to end the date.
  2. Usually whoever ends up paying is stuck with a bigger bill. Two drinks is almost always cheaper than dinner, especially dinner and drinks!
  3. I am a fairly anxious person, my butt tingles when I get nervous and honestly the last thing I want to do when I am feeling nervous is eat.

So he plans the date for 7:30 on a Monday (which means I am missing Bachelor night with my friends, aka wine and gossip night). 7:30 is an awkward time for me, I get off work at 5:30 and the traffic in Austin is terrible. So there is no way I can make it home to change, let my dog out, chug my hefty glass of wine, and make it back to the other side of town. I decide I will walk down the street to a bar to pay for a hefty glass of wine to calm my tingling booty.

Silly me, I end up getting two glasses of wine and get a little more tipsy than I had planned.

Back to this Instagram BS, so I get to the restaurant and message Boy #3 that I am here. He replies via Instagram that he has a table inside. The Instagram thing is just annoying like why can’t I have your number?

The date starts off fine, he looks like his pictures online, he is cute and pretty easy to talk to. We order food and drinks. He does not pick his teeth repulsively, so I would say it was going well, my two glasses of wine perfectly taking the ease off any forced conversation. We talked about how law school was going and he asked about my banking job. The conversation took a more serious turn as he started to ask about my family and their background. (Side note: My parents are divorced, have been for 19 years. Both are remarried and the four of them hang out like a bff squad. Weird I know, but all good) I always feel like when I describe my family that I have to preface it with, “Don’t worry I am not messed up!! I don’t have commitment issues because I am a child of divorce!!!” Things just continued to get more serious…

Somehow and I really am not sure how, but breastfeeding got brought up. He, being a 29 year old man, had a very opinionated stance on the issue. Now I have a couple issues that I think need to be brought up before I dive into the conversation:

  1. Why is a 29 year old man thinking about breastfeeding?
  2. He had such a strong opinion for someone who cannot breastfeed.
  3. After the date I called several friends and my mom to find out more about their experiences with breastfeeding.
  4. Some mothers, like my own, were not able to breastfeed due to physical issues. My mom (sorry mom, if you read this) had horrible excema on her breasts and was bleeding trying to breastfeed me. Ew what baby wants a concoction of blood and breast milk??? My friend’s mom was not able to breastfeed because my friend (as a baby) had really bad acid re-flux. So there are a lot of different reasons why a mother or baby cannot breastfeed.
  5. I felt like he was pushing his opinion on me and let me tell you, there’s no chance I would ever be having his children.

So back to the breastfeeding story. He started off by telling me about how he was breastfeed and all the benefits that breastfeeding has on newborn babies. Sure not arguing that, but I also haven’t researched the topic and didn’t have much of a stance on it since I don’t have any children of my own. He proceeds to tell me that he believes that children should be breastfeed until they are 3-5 years old. I’M SORRY WHAT? Sir, you are a man, why are you acting like you get so much say in your baby mama’s body!? Don’t get me wrong everyone should have the right to breastfeed or not breastfeed for however long they want! But sir, please do not act like you are in charge of breastfeeding your baby.

So I argue back, I say, ” Wow! That is pretty old, they are tots at that point with full blown teeth! Teeth would really hurt! Also, 3-5 year old’s can talk and walk! What are they gonna say, ‘Hey mom come over here with that titty milk.’ I just don’t think I would want to do that.”

In response he says, “Well, my brother was breastfed until he was 4 years old and he is now at an ivy league school. So it is apparent that breastfeeding has benefits that formula doesn’t. Plus, it bonds the baby and the mother, you can’t recreate that bond.”

“Actually, I was formula fed because my mom wasn’t able to breastfeed me, since she was BLEEDING from her nipples. I turned out just fine. I have a college degree and a good job, so it’s not all about breastfeeding.” I argue back.

He continues about his stance on breastfeeding and I was over it. I checked out. I am not going to argue with this idiot over breastfeeding. Thinking I was being funny, add one last thing before I change the subject, “Are you still being breastfed?” He didn’t think it was funny.

Moral of the story, Breastfeeding boy will never tell me how to breastfeed my children and his future wife better be open to years and years of breastfeeding.

Finally dinner is over and I can call my entire phone book to tell them about this breastfeeding fanatic. He walks me out to my car in the parking lot. CRINGE WARNING. We are standing by my car and he just lays one on me. A complete sober kiss, cue horror scream. In my mind I was thinking, “How on earth did he think this date went well? Clearly I somehow redeemed myself after the argument.” We exchanged numbers and I thanked him for dinner. I drove off into the sunset in hopes to never run into this guy again.

4 thoughts on “DATE #3, Breastfeeding Boy

  1. I busted out laughing several times reading this.

    And I wholeheartedly agree that over age 2, breastfeeding is just weird. And it definitely takes a toll on you. Humble brag, I exclusively breastfed until 5 months and then formula fed and my 5 year old is impressively smart and health.

    Some guys (or well people in general) are so stuck on their views that there is no compromising. And it’s sad because they have soooooo much potential.


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