A Quarter-Life Crisis

I am totally and completely in the middle of a quarter-life crisis. I check all the boxes: Feeling like a paper bag, drifting through the wind? Check. Would rather be a loner stoner than go out with friends? Checkers. Don’t have any idea what career goals should be, much let met any of those goals? Check and check.

How do I get out of my quarter-life crisis? Usually step one is acceptance, which I have done, I am even admitting it online. So what is the next step? Hmmmm, that is where I am stuck.

I remember being a pre-teen when the song, Firework by Katy Perry came out. The song opens with, “Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?” I thought, “PPPSSSHH this lyric doesn’t make any sense, who would feel like a plastic bag?” Oh small, pre-teen me, so naïve, so sheltered. Now, however many years later, this is a lyric that very much resonates with me. I couldn’t feel more like a plastic bag that drifted into a tree or onto the highway to get hit by every passing car’s windshield. Since I am feeling plastic baggy, how do I take my current plastic bag life and upcycle it into a reusable tote?

In my last blog post, I was talking about how I wanted to set a new dating goal, that goal being dating in the wild aka no help from the dating apps. Well dating in the wild is hard and even harder when I don’t want to leave my house. So many times I have gone out and wished I had stayed home with my dog and houseplants. We spend so much time and effort to create a home that serves as a cozy retreat from the real world but then society wants you to voluntarily leave the house to see friends or dates and spend money on drinks or food you could have at home. I think COVID definitely played a role in my hermit-like mindset. You know what else is at home? Weed. There is something to be said about rolling a joint on a Friday night and sinking deep into your couch. I am a recent weed user but I have become a strong advocate. I could rant and rave about the benefits of weed but I will leave you with my main reason for loving the drug.

I didn’t start smoking until after college. I had tried it a couple different times in college but I wasn’t too impressed. Then I got my first weed vape and things drastically changed. I loved it! It was much smoother to smoke, there was minimal coughing, no lingering smell, and you can easily control your intake. Now if you don’t already know, weed is known for helping depression and anxiety (sometimes causing anxiety if you end up too stoney baloney), two things I struggle with. So it was a miracle when I found this drug that has the ability to increase your mood instantaneously, which is a game changer when 1) there is a global pandemic happening 2) your job sucks 3) all your friends are engaged and you are only finding other plastic bags on the dating apps 4) you live alone. When I first got my weed vape I started smoking by myself, alone in my house. Which sounds sad or like I have no friends, but really I wanted to learn more about how my body reacted with weed. Turns out smoking alone has become my favorite thing to do for a multitude of reasons, but there is one reason in particular, the self confidence. When you get high, alone at your house and walk by a mirror, you feel different. You feel hot. You feel beautiful. You can see yourself in a new light.

Imagine standing in front of a mirror, you can hear a little voice that points out all your flaws. It says, “Look at how big your arm looks when you push it up against your side. Ew and you have a zit on your chin, you should probably squeeze it to make it worse. Not to mention, your forehead wrinkles are really setting in, are you sure you are 25? Yea, I don’t think you are glowing up, I think you are glowing down”.

Now picture standing in front of a mirror and that voice is nice to you! I know it is hard to even imagine, but the little voice likes weed and she will tell you nice things when you get her high. “Girl, back it on up, that lil tush is poppin! Anyone would be lucky to date you because you always look flawless even just cooking dinner. You are a catch, queen! I mean look at you, a total babe salad!”, the stoned little voice says.

I thought this feeling would only last when I was high but it turns out (to no one’s surprise) that being nice to yourself is actually beneficial in gaining self confidence and if you are like me, sometimes you need a little extra help being nice to yourself. Plus the only difference between hot people and non-hot people is self confidence. Hot people know they are hot and the rest of us don’t even question their hotness! With all this being said, I would recommend to anyone, to get high alone. Roll up a joint and spend some quality time with yourself. You will see things in a new light. You will see your hotness.

Last portion of the quarter-life crisis is my career. I graduated from college, got a job at a bank, hated that bank, and moved to Austin to work at another bank. That bank went well for a couple years but then I left to try another bank that turned out to be broke and run by white supremacists. Now I am a glorified secretary with a finance degree and 3 years of credit analysis training but I still haven’t figured out how to successfully transfer a phone call! Not to mention my bosses think I am an idiot and treat me as such. I took this current job as a stepping stone but it is looking like this stone is leading no where except to me banging my forehead against the front desk as I waste away and a bad letter of recommendation. So what is my next career move? I have no idea. I couldn’t even tell you what I want my career to look like. I just keep hoping it will all fall into place but it has been fairly disastourous this far.

So I am totally and completely in the middle of a quarter-life crisis. Hopefully this plastic bag can be upcycled into something a little more useful and a little less easy to blow away.